We all just want to be seen and heard, from the moment we fill up our lungs with air for the first time and let out a good cry (with some encouragement), and from then on for the rest of our lives.  Another common way to express this is that we all just want to love and be loved.   Some would argue against this sentiment as they have a strong desire to be alone, perhaps living off-grid in a remote location to be away from others. But even then, they often have a pet or enjoy a strong communion with nature. And they certainly didn’t make it this far without loving and/or being loved by someone.  There would not be much point in existing if we do not relate in a loving way to some sentient presence. 

The one relationship that seems to take precedence over all others is that between the masculine and the feminine, which we normally perceive as a partnership between a man and woman.  What I have learned, however, is that this core relationship is present in us from the very beginning of our incarnation and is shaped while we are still in the womb.  You will often hear the terms ‘divine masculine’ and ‘divine feminine’ which allude to a perfect, harmonious and sacred joining.  And indeed, if we were born into a harmonious environment that supported this expression, that is exactly what we would embody.  Put very simply the feminine represents our true heart felt desires, and the masculine represents our physical reality. When they are in perfect sync everything that we want to create can and will manifest in the physical reality(!)  Imagine playing and creating endlessly in a beautiful and magical playground. It sounds like pollyannic idealism, and yet we (true living souls) all resonate at a deep level with this understanding.  We are amazing creators!!

This is where the SPLIT comes in. Unfortunately, most of what is represented as masculine and feminine in our reality is completely distorted and encourages division.  I  think the main reason we do not create the reality we want is that human beings have been traumatized in such a way as to keep our true masculine and feminine in a constant battle. This reflects perfectly in our relationships.   Why do almost all couples seem to be plagued with struggles, no matter how much love is shared or what those intentions are to share that love in a beautiful and healthy way?  Why are relationships so difficult?  

Here is a simple example to illustrate an important point.  If everyone woke up tomorrow with the true intention and willingness to BE KIND, we would literally transform this world in one day.  But imagine, instead, that we spend our day reacting to others based on traumas and beliefs that we incurred from our childhood. So that instead of seeing the ‘other’ we are projecting all of those unresolved emotions right onto them, completely unaware that we are doing this.  Projection much??  And then we wonder why we do not feel seen or heard.  Could it be because we never addressed those traumas and are therefore not seeing or hearing ourselves?  I believe it was Mat Kahn who wrote what I consider to be a profound truth:  “You can only meet someone else as deeply as you meet yourself”.  And if your inner masculine and feminine do not trust each other, that is what will play out in your reality,

There is a way to mend this rift and start building that trust between the two.  The very next time you are ‘triggered’, i.e. you react to someone else with heated emotion, usually anger, or defensiveness, STOP.  Or at least sometime after the emotional release when you are calmer and able to reflect.  This moment in time is pure gold to start healing if you recognize it as such.  Especially if your response seems exaggerated compared to the comment or action that provoked it.  “Where did that come from?”  Our triggers literally show us, point blank, the unresolved traumas that are being suppressed and that need to be acknowledged.  On the surface we are sure the other person caused us to feel this way, but I invite you to please look deeper.  Ask questions like "what am I believing to make me feel this way?"  “Did my father or mother ever act like this person that is causing me to react?” It’s uncanny how many of us project our parents onto our partner over and over without realizing it.  Taking the time to really ask these questions is the beginning of serious ‘inner work’.  It requires taking full accountability for your part in the exchange and that is where many fall short.  It is much easier to blame the other, which gets you nowhere. 

More often than not, anger is the mind's (masculine) attempt to 'protect' the small child that does not want to be hurt again.  Remember that since the mind and heart (feminine) are not encouraged to work together, the mind will interpret the pain in your heart as a very real threat that you do not want to experience again.  That is why truly opening your heart can be so challenging. It is essential that your heart knows it is safe.  When trust is restored between the heart and the mind, you will start to feel that inner joy and authentic love for your partner that has been blocked for so long. This trust will lead to the expression of your vulnerability - and that's where the true connection starts.  This is something only YOU can do.  Others can certainly help and be supportive, but the true inner work of connecting your heart and mind can only be done by you.  

Relationships are often described as mirrors and there is a very good reason for this. We are literally drawn to others based on certain frequencies that run through us and match up.  And not just couples.  What about that neighbor who is constantly confronting you with negative energy and that gives you a headache?  Believe it or not, there is a frequency in YOU that has attracted that neighbor.  Again look deeper.  Who are you still angry with (usually from childhood) that you have not confronted or released that anger around?  Whoever it is has shown up next door to you.  There is a way to test this theory.  Do the inner work and notice the changes in all of your relationships.  As you take the deep dive and completely love and forgive yourself and others, you watch your relationships miraculously change.  You are no longer having those constant squabbles with your partner and your new neighbor becomes one of your best friends.  You also develop the beautiful ability to ‘see through’ someone else’s behavior, as you recognize that it is often governed by their own personal traumas.  When you do this it creates an environment for the other to start healing as well. And that is a beautiful thing.